Many moons ago, when growing up, I wouldn't get close to folks because I was afraid they would learn of my secrets or they already knew of them and were judging me. This made for a lonely childhood and made it where I didn't really know how to make friends or wasn't sure what one was.
Now I did have a close friend that had the life I always believed we were to have a birth. She and I went through school and girl scouts together, I would sleep over at her house and I would play boardgames with her and her mother for many hours. Heck, when my dog would get loose and come looking for me, he would go straight to her house even though it was a good distance away. (I had never taken him there, but Sambo could find me anywhere.)
Although she and I have lost touch from time to time, we find each other and it is like we saw each other yesterday. My friendship and life with her was so distant from what my reality was, I didn't even feel like I was me. This was a magically feeling to not have to worry or stress or be afraid of every breath.
I had two other friends that I met in high school. We were three girls that all came from different kinds of disfunction. One lived with her sister, one lived with her father and then there was me. In someways we were not the best for each other. We skipped school together, smoked, drank and hung around with some of the bad boys you were always warned about. Two of us ran away from home and stayed with the third one.
But being around them taught me a lot. I learned that not everyone had the same demons. Not everyone had been through what I had. That although you were fighting your own dragons, you could be there to help your friends fight their dragons also. And this was done in the easiest way. It was done by talking. They learned of my demons and I learned of theirs. We all tried to be there for each other in whatever way we thought was best. Even if it wasn't the best way, it showed me that they cared and I hope they know I cared and will always be here for them! We shared battle scars together, and although we are now in different corners, we do keep in touch and I will always love them dearly!
Years later after life events and being away from all the damage that had been done as a child, I still don't have many friendships.
I always had stayed pretty much of a loner. I don't run around with anyone. And the only people I talk with are folks I work with and that is at work. Occasionally I will got out for a drink after work or rarely go with another female and go dancing. But more than not, I take myself out. It could be to the movies, to the mall, to the park, kayaking, and have even gone out dancing by myself.
If I do want to go out with someone to talk with, than it is usually my sons. I am very lucky that they like things I do and can twist and arm or two should I want someone to go with me. After all, who wouldn't want to run around and hang out with their mother!
All of that started to change when I started going back to where I grew up. There were regular get togethers of this group with others coming and going but it was something regular.
I had wanted to go to these gathering for years, but would turn back into the child that didn't know about friends, I child I never really left behind. A few months back I twisted my own arm this time, started talking with someone that grew up around the corner from me and made a plan to meet up with them. I knew if I made that plan, I would have to go through with it. There was no backing out.
I made it back to the home town. I meet up with the old neighbor and, guess what? It was fun! We talked about the "remember whens" and the "did you knows". From there we went to the high school game and I saw others I remembered and guess again, they remembered me! I didn't expect that.
I really believed that once I was gone, I had completely disappeared. I didn't think many knew me when I was there as a child, but to remember me at all many years later, it was a huge surprise.
I did go on to the gatherings. I walked in and began to panic. I only saw one person I knew and he & I had just met at the high school game. He gave me a hug and sat next to me and started introducing me. Everyone was happy and fun and welcoming. I was able to start kidding around as though I had known some of them forever.
At the next gathering, I walked in and this time there was someone there I had met at the last gathering. He saw I was panicing (again) and said he would sit with me until I calmed down. He talked with me and laughed with me and once others came in and he knew I was okay, only then did he go and visit with others.
There have been other gathering since these. I have meet some wonderful people that I call and truly believe to be friends. I have a couple that we do things together outside of the group. My old neighbor, who is now one of my best friends, lets me stay with them when I am in town, just because we are friends.
I have friends now that if I am close by, I can just call and say I want to come over, and they welcome me with open arms. No planned event, no worries, no wonders. Just hanging out and enjoying a friends company.
I truly enjoy the group friendly events and I also enjoy the time talking and laughing with a single friend. I have not laughed, talking, listened and thought about friends like I have over these last few months. Everyone is their own person and that is what makes them great. And together as a group they are more fabulous that you can imagine.
Tiffs do happen, but it isn't the end of the world kind. They are more of the just step back and breath and then all is great again.
Time is a funny thing. You spend so long expecting to be alone, to one day wake up and find out you will never be alone again. And to know this is a feeling that will never go away.
I have learned, friendship is a grand vessel to travel on and I am looking forward to a long and wonderous journey.
So thank you my friends!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Sometimes They Shout!!
Coming from a family full of secrets it is funny to think and know that my family is also a front runner in exposing secrets.
See I come from a family that folks would guess that I was related to but then would never believe when you would say yes to being related.
Times have changed and some mystic has faded, but it wasn't that long ago that secrets were not told out loud and definitely not in public! And never outside of the family!!
If you were someone what had to live with secrets, you know what I am saying. You couldn't tell you friends because that was betrayal. You couldn't tell the school because your abuser would get in trouble and you didn't know what would happen to you because of it.
You had no one to talk with. You had not where to go. You had yourself and being alone, you felt like it must be your fault because otherwise, why would it be happening to you!
You see your classmates talking and whispering and laughing. You know it must be about you because they aren't including you.
It was a lonely time back in those days if you had secrets that you couldn't scream from the roof tops. To scream and them go away. To make the pain stop. To have someone hold you, listen to you, and let you know it wasn't your fault.
And from a strange place came this wonderful voice. One that would not only shout her pain and torment that she grew up with but would write about it for all to read and make a movie for all to see!
Many have seen the movie or read the book and now it may seem like nothing but try and remember back. Do you remember when the abused had no voice? Do you remember when we all had this thought that in every home lived the Cleavers or the Petries or even the Bradys?
Being an abuse victim, I remember. I remember not being able to tell, because didn't know how it would be recieved. Didn't know if I would be blamed. Just didn't know. And that is how the secret lived on through generations.
BUT then my Aunt Tina started to shout! She let it be known that it didn't matter where you grew up, abuse was there. It didn't matter who people believed someone was, what mattered is who they really were. Abuse really did come in all shapes, sized and didn't know color or paygrade.
Now I am not take nothing away from what kind of preformer my grandmother was. We all have out work life and our home life. But abuse, in whatever form, is not and should not be allowed.
My father had many emotional scars from his childhood. He didn't know how to have trusting relationships with many of the females in his life for the longest time. He was a quick witted man who wouldn't say a lot out loud. He had addiction problems for much of his life, but fought it after many years of just letting things happen.
If we had someone shouting for victims back 40 years ago, some of the generations of abuse would not have continued. But my aunt started to shout roughly 35 years ago and kept on shouting and today, children know they can be heard. Today, people know how and what to look for in abuse victims. Victims know it is not them and if they still feel it was somehow their fault, they have friends, groups, professionals and now family to help them learn and see that it wasn't them. It wasn't their fault. That they are loved and cared for and will make it through. They will be surviors!!
I love you Aunt Tina! I love your voice! You are a hero for those that couldn't shout!
Thank you for shouting!!!
See I come from a family that folks would guess that I was related to but then would never believe when you would say yes to being related.
Times have changed and some mystic has faded, but it wasn't that long ago that secrets were not told out loud and definitely not in public! And never outside of the family!!
If you were someone what had to live with secrets, you know what I am saying. You couldn't tell you friends because that was betrayal. You couldn't tell the school because your abuser would get in trouble and you didn't know what would happen to you because of it.
You had no one to talk with. You had not where to go. You had yourself and being alone, you felt like it must be your fault because otherwise, why would it be happening to you!
You see your classmates talking and whispering and laughing. You know it must be about you because they aren't including you.
It was a lonely time back in those days if you had secrets that you couldn't scream from the roof tops. To scream and them go away. To make the pain stop. To have someone hold you, listen to you, and let you know it wasn't your fault.
And from a strange place came this wonderful voice. One that would not only shout her pain and torment that she grew up with but would write about it for all to read and make a movie for all to see!
Many have seen the movie or read the book and now it may seem like nothing but try and remember back. Do you remember when the abused had no voice? Do you remember when we all had this thought that in every home lived the Cleavers or the Petries or even the Bradys?
Being an abuse victim, I remember. I remember not being able to tell, because didn't know how it would be recieved. Didn't know if I would be blamed. Just didn't know. And that is how the secret lived on through generations.
BUT then my Aunt Tina started to shout! She let it be known that it didn't matter where you grew up, abuse was there. It didn't matter who people believed someone was, what mattered is who they really were. Abuse really did come in all shapes, sized and didn't know color or paygrade.
Now I am not take nothing away from what kind of preformer my grandmother was. We all have out work life and our home life. But abuse, in whatever form, is not and should not be allowed.
My father had many emotional scars from his childhood. He didn't know how to have trusting relationships with many of the females in his life for the longest time. He was a quick witted man who wouldn't say a lot out loud. He had addiction problems for much of his life, but fought it after many years of just letting things happen.
If we had someone shouting for victims back 40 years ago, some of the generations of abuse would not have continued. But my aunt started to shout roughly 35 years ago and kept on shouting and today, children know they can be heard. Today, people know how and what to look for in abuse victims. Victims know it is not them and if they still feel it was somehow their fault, they have friends, groups, professionals and now family to help them learn and see that it wasn't them. It wasn't their fault. That they are loved and cared for and will make it through. They will be surviors!!
I love you Aunt Tina! I love your voice! You are a hero for those that couldn't shout!
Thank you for shouting!!!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Secrets of Magic..
Taking the lead from a special friend and a believer of the power of secrets if you let them, I am taking this space to try and explain how what you see is not always what is behind the blindfolds.
During the time when the worlds families contained a mother, a father, a sister, a brother and a dog name Spot there was this girl. The family she was with was not like the others of that time. She had the brother and sister and the mother but the father had left when she was 4 and being a daddy's girl, she felt very alone.
The mother remarried and with the girl just starting the second grade, she was still learning what relationships were. The new husband decided to show and teach the girl what he told her 'love' was. He not only showed her, but also gave her to friends of his for them also to show her 'love'. Because 'love' was something to feel instead of something to see, she was blindfolded. This kept her from knowing who the friends were of the new husband and from being able to tell of their 'love'.
This went on until the wonderful day the films in school that you needed the permission slips to be able to see. The Sex Ed films. See, even though kids would say words in school yards and act like they knew what they were saying, if what you were being told wasn't called this you didn't connect those dots. The films changed that. You got to see the visual. You knew even with blindfolds when the 'friends' were around, that what was going on was not 'love'.
The girl finds out that she was having sex and with multiple people that she didn't even know who all but one of them were. She knows she must tell her mother of this and has to find a way to do so.
One night after hearing her sister get into trouble for sleeping in class (the sister had also be shown 'love') the girl knew it was time to try and stop what was going on. She goes to her mother and tells her. She tries to find the correct words to tell and explain and convince the mother that it wasn't her fault. The husband comes home and the mother has the girl repeat everything in front of him. Being scared, her words failed her and she just doesn't make any sense.
The mother gets the old screen door locks for the girl and her sister's bedroom. This will keep all harm away from them. That is until the brother decides he is mad that they had special locks and he doesn't, that he bangs in the door and so goes the locks.
After six months, the mother and the husband do finally separate. But by now, the girl only knows that 'love' is sex and when you try to be strong, no one hears you.
The magic of the secrets is that back then, no one talked about things. If it happened behind your families close doors, it is no one elses business or concern. No one questioned when a girl would sleep in class all the time. No one asked why is it a girl listens too closely to male voices. (The girl was trying to see if this was one of the men that had 'loved' her.)
Once the girl was able to and strong enough, she left her home, her town, her past. It was where confusion started for her and she wanted to be as far away as possible. It wasn't until she saw the obit of the husband that she was able to think of going back.
It took a while before she could see her home town as a place instead of a part of the situation, but finally was able to do so. And by doing so, also found out there were several good people that had been there all along that she couldn't see because of the blindfolds she always had on.
The secrets of magic is you don't see what is really going on. And that gives the secrets magical power. When you feel you have on blindfolds, it's not magic keeping you from knowing the true. It's secrets.
During the time when the worlds families contained a mother, a father, a sister, a brother and a dog name Spot there was this girl. The family she was with was not like the others of that time. She had the brother and sister and the mother but the father had left when she was 4 and being a daddy's girl, she felt very alone.
The mother remarried and with the girl just starting the second grade, she was still learning what relationships were. The new husband decided to show and teach the girl what he told her 'love' was. He not only showed her, but also gave her to friends of his for them also to show her 'love'. Because 'love' was something to feel instead of something to see, she was blindfolded. This kept her from knowing who the friends were of the new husband and from being able to tell of their 'love'.
This went on until the wonderful day the films in school that you needed the permission slips to be able to see. The Sex Ed films. See, even though kids would say words in school yards and act like they knew what they were saying, if what you were being told wasn't called this you didn't connect those dots. The films changed that. You got to see the visual. You knew even with blindfolds when the 'friends' were around, that what was going on was not 'love'.
The girl finds out that she was having sex and with multiple people that she didn't even know who all but one of them were. She knows she must tell her mother of this and has to find a way to do so.
One night after hearing her sister get into trouble for sleeping in class (the sister had also be shown 'love') the girl knew it was time to try and stop what was going on. She goes to her mother and tells her. She tries to find the correct words to tell and explain and convince the mother that it wasn't her fault. The husband comes home and the mother has the girl repeat everything in front of him. Being scared, her words failed her and she just doesn't make any sense.
The mother gets the old screen door locks for the girl and her sister's bedroom. This will keep all harm away from them. That is until the brother decides he is mad that they had special locks and he doesn't, that he bangs in the door and so goes the locks.
After six months, the mother and the husband do finally separate. But by now, the girl only knows that 'love' is sex and when you try to be strong, no one hears you.
The magic of the secrets is that back then, no one talked about things. If it happened behind your families close doors, it is no one elses business or concern. No one questioned when a girl would sleep in class all the time. No one asked why is it a girl listens too closely to male voices. (The girl was trying to see if this was one of the men that had 'loved' her.)
Once the girl was able to and strong enough, she left her home, her town, her past. It was where confusion started for her and she wanted to be as far away as possible. It wasn't until she saw the obit of the husband that she was able to think of going back.
It took a while before she could see her home town as a place instead of a part of the situation, but finally was able to do so. And by doing so, also found out there were several good people that had been there all along that she couldn't see because of the blindfolds she always had on.
The secrets of magic is you don't see what is really going on. And that gives the secrets magical power. When you feel you have on blindfolds, it's not magic keeping you from knowing the true. It's secrets.
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