Learning of Friendships

Many moons ago, when growing up, I wouldn't get close to folks because I was afraid they would learn of my secrets or they already knew of them and were judging me.  This made for a lonely childhood and made it where I didn't really know how to make friends or wasn't sure what one was.

Now I did have a close friend that had the life I always believed we were to have a birth.  She and I went through school and girl scouts together, I would sleep over at her house and I would play boardgames with her and her mother for many hours.  Heck, when my dog would get loose and come looking for me, he would go straight to her house even though it was a good distance away.  (I had never taken him there, but Sambo could find me anywhere.)

Although she and I have lost touch from time to time, we find each other and it is like we saw each other yesterday.  My friendship and life with her was so distant from what my reality was, I didn't even feel like I was me.  This was a magically feeling to not have to worry or stress or be afraid of every breath.

I had two other friends that I met in high school.  We were three girls that all came from different kinds of disfunction.  One lived with her sister, one lived with her father and then there was me.  In someways we were not the best for each other.  We skipped school together, smoked, drank and hung around with some of the bad boys you were always warned about.  Two of us ran away from home and stayed with the third one.

But being around them taught me a lot.  I learned that not everyone had the same demons.  Not everyone had been through what I had.  That although you were fighting your own dragons, you could be there to help your friends fight their dragons also.  And this was done in the easiest way.  It was done by talking.  They learned of my demons and I learned of theirs.  We all tried to be there for each other in whatever way we thought was best.  Even if it wasn't the best way, it showed me that they cared and I hope they know I cared and will always be here for them!  We shared battle scars together, and although we are now in different corners, we do keep in touch and I will always love them dearly!

Years later after life events and being away from all the damage that had been done as a child, I still don't have many friendships.

I always had stayed pretty much of a loner.  I don't run around with anyone.  And the only people I talk with are folks I work with and that is at work.  Occasionally I will got out for a drink after work or rarely go with another female and go dancing.  But more than not, I take myself out.  It could be to the movies, to the mall, to the park, kayaking, and have even gone out dancing by myself.

If I do want to go out with someone to talk with, than it is usually my sons.  I am very lucky that they like things I do and can twist and arm or two should I want someone to go with me.  After all, who wouldn't want to run around and hang out with their mother!

All of that started to change when I started going back to where I grew up.  There were regular get togethers of this group with others coming and going but it was something regular. 

I had wanted to go to these gathering for years, but would turn back into the child that didn't know about friends, I child I never really left behind.  A few months back I twisted my own arm this time, started talking with someone that grew up around the corner from me and made a plan to meet up with them.  I knew if I made that plan, I would have to go through with it.  There was no backing out.

I made it back to the home town.  I meet up with the old neighbor and, guess what?  It was fun!  We talked about the "remember whens" and the "did you knows".  From there we went to the high school game and I saw others I remembered and guess again, they remembered me!  I didn't expect that. 

I really believed that once I was gone, I had completely disappeared.  I didn't think many knew me when I was there as a child, but to remember me at all many years later, it was a huge surprise.

I did go on to the gatherings.  I walked in and began to panic.  I only saw one person I knew and he & I had just met at the high school game.  He gave me a hug and sat next to me and started introducing me.  Everyone was happy and fun and welcoming.  I was able to start kidding around as though I had known some of them forever.

At the next gathering, I walked in and this time there was someone there I had met at the last gathering.  He saw I was panicing (again) and said he would sit with me until I calmed down.  He talked with me and laughed with me and once others came in and he knew I was okay, only then did he go and visit with others.

There have been other gathering since these.  I have meet some wonderful people that I call and truly believe to be friends.  I have a couple that we do things together outside of the group.  My old neighbor, who is now one of my best friends, lets me stay with them when I am in town, just because we are friends.

I have friends now that if I am close by, I can just call and say I want to come over, and they welcome me with open arms.  No planned event, no worries, no wonders.  Just hanging out and enjoying a friends company.

I truly enjoy the group friendly events and I also enjoy the time talking and laughing with a single friend.  I have not laughed, talking, listened and thought about friends like I have over these last few months.  Everyone is their own person and that is what makes them great.  And together as a group they are more fabulous that you can imagine.

Tiffs do happen, but it isn't the end of the world kind.  They are more of the just step back and breath and then all is great again.

Time is a funny thing.  You spend so long expecting to be alone, to one day wake up and find out you will never be alone again.  And to know this is a feeling that will never go away.

I have learned, friendship is a grand vessel to travel on and I am looking forward to a long and wonderous journey.

So thank you my friends!